For each of you….

For the special way my Grand Daughter makes me smile just looking at her….

For the years I have lived and the lessons I have learned…..

For Friends…

For my Talents….

For others talents…..

For quiet Times, for loud times…..

For my Special Love, He holds the keys to my heart and also to my easy button….*Blink*

For my Dachshunds for without them, I wouldn’t know how to squeeze myself into a tiny part of the bed, although I should have half….

For my Sons - All three…. although I only have one left and I cherish him……

For my Daughters, through them, I see my reflection…..

For Blogging,I now have a voice and a face…..

For all the things I take for granted, I think they must be huge and very important….

For life….

And when the time comes……

For Death.

Just wanted to say Hi, things went better than I thought and I’m home safe.

Have you ever thought that the life you lived growing up as a child was yours and yours alone, no one shared in your secrets, your pain, your heavy burdens. I learned on this visit to my Family that my Brother had just as much pain as I did growing up. It was quite revealing to me and I grew some from it. He didn’t suffer sexual abuse, but physical abuse and he told me he never felt loved or even known he existed. I never gave this much thought as we were growing up and I really didn’t think of it as an adult. After thinking more about this I have decided that it more than likely was the reason he ended up strung out of prescription drugs. Although he’s been clean now for almost 2 years, the hellish life he’s lived since he was in an accident and paralyzed at age 18, has been awful. I have learned that life doesn’t just happen to us as an individual, it happens as a group to, and sometimes everyone in the crowd comes out damaged in very unique but sometimes very same ways…..

I am proud of my Brother, he has had the courage and will power to keep with the program.

If you have problems with drug abuse and need help…. Check out Narcotics Anonymous, they really are a great group that will be there for you to lean on in times where your family and friends just can’t help.

Have a great day and keep the faith……

Judy

Ok, so I’ve packed the ole wiener mobile ……

Its loaded to the hilt…..

I am going on a trip people. I will be gone from Feb. 15- Feb. 25 . I’m off to visit my Family in Southern Florida. I will try to get online, but it’s doubtful it will happen. This is a forced rest and relaxation trip. I have to have a break before I break. I will not be able to fuel you [at fuel my blog] and that makes me sad.
I will be doing a little quilting while I’m gone… Bet you didn’t know I quilted, did ya~~
Here look at this:

I hold each of you in my thoughts while I’m gone and I will be back so, so remember me and…
Everyone needs a little sugar !

Life is funny, you never know that what you’re looking at, may not be what it seems. To most people life was perfect for us, they saw a Family that looked right. This man that took in 5 Children that were not his own, how nice of him, they would say. You Children should count your lucky stars that he is decent and understanding. But if you were on the inside of that Family, you would see the truth, we were dysfunctional. My Mom was pretty and young, but very weak inside, my Step Father was older, a veteran and somewhat successful, but a child molester. He was everything they say a profile child molester would be. His Family would whisper to my Mother that he wasn’t always like that, he got hurt in an automobile accident that maimed him and they believed it made him that monster he was, I don’t think so…..His Mother made him wear shoes that were to small, she dressed him as a girl until he was five or so years old. She brow beat him and made him feel inferior to others, I think he was always sick and twisted and in later years I found out I was right. She [his Mother] was a very backwards old woman who at Christmas time would make us [My Siblings and I] sit over in the corner and watch as the “real” children opened the gifts she would make for them, all the while she would say “You are not my Grand Children, I don’t do for those who are not my blood”, she was a wicked person……

I learned later from my Step Sister, that my Step Father had abused her also as a young girl and as an adult. She said her own Brothers would do the same things to her, I thought she was crazy until both my Step Brothers did the same things to me.

I remember things in flashes, some think I make this up, others think I should just get over it, my very own Husband thinks I dwell on this and let it stumble me. I am here to say to you that I don’t. I feel this remembering is part of the healing. I am so much more relaxed about thinking back than ever before. I can even say now that even though he was a monster, he had good qualities…. But I also know that most abused people love and respect their abusers… It’s just a fact. I think that is why when my Mother would leave him, she would say she went back because us kids would beg her too… I just don’t understand how she would knowing some of the things I remember…. I mean when you are forced to have sex with your child[ren] why and how can you listen to those children and go back…. Why. My mind works over time with this always, I rewind it over and over…. still I come up with no good answers….

If you know someone that is being sexually abused it is YOUR duty to tell. If you are being abused sexually it is time to seek help…. I beg you don’t wait for it to get better, it wont change, they don’t ever get healed. I know this from experience…….. I lived in that shadow for years, it took me moving far away from him to break free and to start to heal… I am 49 and still have issues with sex. I ask you this, Do you want to wait, really?

I will be headed out of town Friday, I will be gone for a week to visit my Family. It will be hard, but I need to go. My Mom isn’t in the best of health and I have learned to forgive, She has her own demons…..

Judy

Mel from Attitude is the ultimate power has a dream its of linking 1000 sites or more together to form the big Bang, I would like to help so I’m adding “The Down Side Of Up” to the list….

!!!! I have no details but this child has been found!!!!

Christy Z has just informed her readers of an amber alert….
I am copying from her web site so please don’t shoot me for copy theft….
started copy here:

*Amber Alert Issued For Five Year Old Boy AMBER Alert*

An amber alert has been issued for five year old Adrian Jaimes of Austin Texas. He has been abducted today by three Hispanic men while in his own front yard while his mother was loading the car.

You can read further information and see pictures of Adrian here, and you can report any tips or information to America’s Most Wanted.

Spread the word about it on your blogs as the case is so new it’s yet to hit television, and send him and his family your prayers for a safe return.

End copy here….

Please, please help… If you can spread the word!

You never know when you or someone reading your blog may know more then you think…..

Peace!

I found this poem at the website: Day of the Child

“THE PROMISE”

As I noticed myself becoming old and gray,

I knew it was time to visit the little girl of yesterday.

She had been kept safely hidden

In a place where others had been forbidden.

She knew I had to leave her long ago,

So one of us could find the strength to grow.

I promised her that I would someday return,

For she was my main concern.

No one could understand how her and I connect,

For I was the one present during the crime and neglect.

As I opened the door to yesterday,

I heard the sound of children happily at play,

But I noticed her sitting all alone and sad

Until our eyes met and she became glad.

We reunited by hugging and kissing one another

Like a beloved daughter and a mother.

I comforted her and dried away her tears

That were too painful for so many years.

As I looked in her small eyes of Grey,

I told her that the monster had gone away.

She looked up at me and said,”I love you”

Then I replied, “I love you too”.

Someone who cared had finally set her free.

The little girl that I used to be.

I tried to forget so much that certain words trigger remembrances…. I now feel is is good to remember all the days of my life, I am a happier person for remembering….

I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with hope and love…..

All of a sudden at age 49, I’ve decided to take this journey of finding me. I don’t know why, I just felt it necessary. Every single person born has a journey of their own, some of us remember it happily, some of us don’t, some of us die too young and never have to figure it out, But some of us float until the day we wake up and realize there’s more to it all, That’s when we each have to take: “The journey of Me”. The journey of Me is complicated and long, it’s sad and it’s happy, The one thing about my journey is that it is unique, like Me. To make sure that my Journey doesn’t end in tragedy, I felt the need to relive it, To question it and also to forgive it…..

I can remember way back then, when I would dance down the back roads of red clay in a small remote town in Georgia,I had a baton in my hands and marching boots on, acting like I was gonna be someone, I thought I was living in a normal life and when I grew up, I could move forward, never having to look back. I was wrong then and of course I would be wrong again. I have often looked back and thought what my life would be like if that stuff didn’t happen, would I be a success or would I still be the failure some say I still am today, I have never met something I couldn’t do as long as I set my mind to it…. Yet, Am I doing anything with all the talents I have, no…. I’m not, I don’t do anything other than work on my Blogs, keep a really clean house most days, I play with my Grand Daughter, I am a good friend, I do other things but I don’t apply myself to pursuing these talents to make a difference, why am I like this, Why don’t I move on it… I can’t answer that…. I used to have dreams but slowly I gave up those dreams, where do I stop blaming my childhood and start blaming me….

I’m going to start working on me, I’m in the journey so why not try and be a valued PART of the journey…. I am trying to find my inner strength and what drives me to take action, to think and to do……

First question: Are the choices my Mother made, also the choices I made and why? I look back and I see so much of my Mother in me, I have been married several times, I let men abuse me, I have lied to myself thinking things would get better and I didn’t better myself even though I am a very smart person… Why? Well I don’t like depending on me, I may let me down. I have grown up over the year. I lean on me no, more than ever but still I falter in emotions and in procrastination. I have things left to do, A journey thats not finished, I will keep struggling along and hopefully before I go I will find all that I seek….

It’s not in my nature to be really serious all the time, I find that it strangles me. I hope that I can show you my humorous side at times too. If you’ve ever visited my other blog you will see a side of me that is real too. I try to find humor in most days of my life, for if I didn’t I would surely curl up in the corner and die….. That’s why I like “keepin it real”….

This week has been a trial of sorts, not for me, but for my Son Will. He had 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed. His poor face is swollen the size of a soccer ball(well maybe not that big). I have been taking care of him.

It’s also my Grand Daughter Bella’s first Birthday Sunday, So I will be baking her a cake. If you are just meeting me, You don’t know that I am a cake decorator , you will have to visit Sugar Queen’s Dream and see! to see a few of my cakes go here. She loves Dora the Explorer so that will be somewhere on the cake.

Isn’t she beautiful. When I look at her I know the life I’ve had to live is one that in the ends has been filled with gifts…. Here’s another picture of her digging in her toy box, She has really grown this past year. At Sugar Queens Dream you can watch her grow up, Fracas introduced me and my Grand Daughter on her blog last year….

I have another friend that has helped keep me here and on track, her name is Jackie, she Authors “The Painted Veil” . If you would like to be inspired with love and happiness with an occasional dose of spice visit my friend. She has endured abuse in her life too and has overcome it. Jackie has been encouraging me ever since I started this blog to keep moving forward. I love her for that, You can’t know unless you’ve lived it, how hard this is to rebirth and start over. I posted some really great posts this week at SQD, go take a look. Visit my blog roll friends and you will meet some of the most beautiful people ever!

Having 2 Blogs is so much more work than I EVER thought it was. Period! I am trying to keep up the pace and I am all about keepin it real….

Have a really great weekend and remember always: love the one you’re with….YOU

Writing this Blog isnt easy for me, It’s not that I’m ashamed of being abused like I once was, it’s that this brings back memories I have tried to forget. For the past few days I have been having panic attacks again, Now some of you might say: stop thinking of all this , I can’t. My story is a story I feel I have to write. Im finally Opening up…. to ME.

I Have NEVER forgot the things that Man did to me, I felt so robbed, Yes thats a good word for it…. Robbed. He took every thing from me, including my self esteem, thats why I have used drugs, alcohol, sex, food,  anything to forget.  I hid my memory of it all away so that I wouldn’t remember the horrors of it all. I just pushed the sexual stuff to the back of my mind, I guess I have a closet that I shove stuff in when I don’t want to deal with it at the moment. Although I mourned the loss of a normal childhood like I did the death of my 2 Sons, I’m still here practically in one piece….

It’s the little blurts that happen every once in awhile that cause me to shake and remember…….If I would do the things he asked, he would buy me an Ice Cream cone or candy,cigarettes, anything, just so I would do as he wished. I remember thinking I don’t want all these things…. I just wanted a normal childhood. Of course at the time I didn’t know what I wanted, I just knew I didn’t want to do those things… I can remember the way he first approached me for all this, Its awful to have memories of your first sexual experiences and they were with a man old enough to be your Grand Father, the filth and the shame of it all.. I can remember still.

You know to this day I still have issues with  sexual experiences. I think of sex as a tool or a weapon.  So much that I’m not very willing to be intimate still…

I have this place where I think all my thoughts, I have ideas and memories, It’s really hard for me to take them from there and put them on paper or in this case, here. I feel I have to be very careful of what I reveal, I want to say what I say, but I don’t want the wrong person to get the wrong idea. It’s a real shame that society hates hearing about this, they like to sweep it under a rug so that they don’t  feel the embarrassment of discussing it causes…

When I married my first Husband I was barely 17.  Yes, I did this to get away from hell I was still enduring, but I didn’t think that at the time. I just saw this really cute guy that rented a small trailer from my Grandma , he was 4 years older and he was mysterious… well to a 16 year old, LOL. It’s all sorta like a comedy now when I think back, My Step Father thought I was being true to him and in fact I was trying to get as far away as I could from him. He actually got jealous when us girls would have a guy friend. I know, it was creepy. I remember feeling so much freedom when they would leave and go on a trip away from the house for the day, I would call my Boy Friend and we would chit chat, I felt able to be a regular teen for just that little space in time. Any way back to my first Husband,He was a virgin and me being raised by a sexual pervert, well, I was what they called a “fast” girl, (today they would just say you were in touch with your sexuality) I had sex with a 30 year old by the time I was 15 and that was not my Step Father. I was promiscuous, its a proven fact that children sexually abused are most of the time sexually active at a younger age.

They say you marry the man that most resembles your Father (or Father figure) . I found out that wasn’t so off mark for me either. I found out 6 years after I divorced my first Husband that he was molesting my sister… She never told me, I used to let her stay with us  all the time, she just stopped comming to my house and no one said a word… I wondered but I never knew….. See the cycle of this just keeps going and going, it never stops…. It’s up to YOU and ME and EVERYONE else to STOP this… Listen when they come to you, look for the signs…. Ask questions… KNOW your Son or Daughter…. then take ACTION!

There are various lists of possible physical and behavioral indicators of child sexual abuse, some of which are:

• Waking up during the night sweating, screaming or shaking with nightmares.
• Masturbating excessively.
• Showing unusually aggressive behavior toward family members, friends, toys, and pets.
• Complaining of pain while urinating or having a bowel movement, or exhibiting symptoms of genital infections such as offensive odors, or symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease.
• Having symptoms indicating evidence of physical traumas to the genital or anal area.
• Beginning wetting the bed.
• Experiencing a loss of appetite or other eating problems, including unexplained gagging.
• Showing unusual fear of a certain place or location.
• Developing frequent unexplained health problems.
• Engaging in persistent sexual play with friends, toys or pets.
• Having unexplained periods of panic, which may be flashbacks from the abuse.
• Regressing to behaviors too young for the stage of development they already achieved.
• Initiating sophisticated sexual behaviors.
• Indicating a sudden reluctance to be alone with a certain person.
• Engaging in self-mutilations, such as sticking themselves with pins or cutting themselves.
• Withdrawing from previously enjoyable activities, like school or school performance change.
• Asking an unusual amount of questions about human sexuality.

Visit this website: protectkids.com