Posted by: thedownsideofup | March 3, 2008


For each of you….

For the special way my Grand Daughter makes me smile just looking at her….

For the years I have lived and the lessons I have learned…..

For Friends…

For my Talents….

For others talents…..

For quiet Times, for loud times…..

For my Special Love, He holds the keys to my heart and also to my easy button….*Blink*

For my Dachshunds for without them, I wouldn’t know how to squeeze myself into a tiny part of the bed, although I should have half….

For my Sons – All three…. although I only have one left and I cherish him……

For my Daughters, through them, I see my reflection…..

For Blogging,I now have a voice and a face…..

For all the things I take for granted, I think they must be huge and very important….

For life….

And when the time comes……

For Death.

Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 28, 2008


mvc_027f.jpgJust wanted to say Hi, things went better than I thought and I’m home safe.

Have you ever thought that the life you lived growing up as a child was yours and yours alone, no one shared in your secrets, your pain, your heavy burdens. I learned on this visit to my Family that my Brother had just as much pain as I did growing up. It was quite revealing to me and I grew some from it. He didn’t suffer sexual abuse, but physical abuse and he told me he never felt loved or even known he existed. I never gave this much thought as we were growing up and I really didn’t think of it as an adult. After thinking more about this I have decided that it more than likely was the reason he ended up strung out of prescription drugs. Although he’s been clean now for almost 2 years, the hellish life he’s lived since he was in an accident and paralyzed at age 18, has been awful. I have learned that life doesn’t just happen to us as an individual, it happens as a group to, and sometimes everyone in the crowd comes out damaged in very unique but sometimes very same ways…..

I am proud of my Brother, he has had the courage and will power to keep with the program.

If you have problems with drug abuse and need help…. Check out Narcotics Anonymous, they really are a great group that will be there for you to lean on in times where your family and friends just can’t help.

Have a great day and keep the faith……


Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 15, 2008

I’m Going, going gone……

Ok, so I’ve packed the ole wiener mobile ……

Its loaded to the hilt…..

I am going on a trip people. I will be gone from Feb. 15- Feb. 25 . I’m off to visit my Family in Southern Florida. I will try to get online, but it’s doubtful it will happen. This is a forced rest and relaxation trip. I have to have a break before I break. I will not be able to fuel you [at fuel my blog] and that makes me sad.
I will be doing a little quilting while I’m gone… Bet you didn’t know I quilted, did ya~~
Here look at this:

I hold each of you in my thoughts while I’m gone and I will be back so, so remember me and…
Everyone needs a little sugar !

Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 13, 2008

From the outside in…..


Life is funny, you never know that what you’re looking at, may not be what it seems. To most people life was perfect for us, they saw a Family that looked right. This man that took in 5 Children that were not his own, how nice of him, they would say. You Children should count your lucky stars that he is decent and understanding. But if you were on the inside of that Family, you would see the truth, we were dysfunctional. My Mom was pretty and young, but very weak inside, my Step Father was older, a veteran and somewhat successful, but a child molester. He was everything they say a profile child molester would be. His Family would whisper to my Mother that he wasn’t always like that, he got hurt in an automobile accident that maimed him and they believed it made him that monster he was, I don’t think so…..His Mother made him wear shoes that were to small, she dressed him as a girl until he was five or so years old. She brow beat him and made him feel inferior to others, I think he was always sick and twisted and in later years I found out I was right. She [his Mother] was a very backwards old woman who at Christmas time would make us [My Siblings and I] sit over in the corner and watch as the “real” children opened the gifts she would make for them, all the while she would say “You are not my Grand Children, I don’t do for those who are not my blood”, she was a wicked person……

I learned later from my Step Sister, that my Step Father had abused her also as a young girl and as an adult. She said her own Brothers would do the same things to her, I thought she was crazy until both my Step Brothers did the same things to me.

I remember things in flashes, some think I make this up, others think I should just get over it, my very own Husband thinks I dwell on this and let it stumble me. I am here to say to you that I don’t. I feel this remembering is part of the healing. I am so much more relaxed about thinking back than ever before. I can even say now that even though he was a monster, he had good qualities…. But I also know that most abused people love and respect their abusers… It’s just a fact. I think that is why when my Mother would leave him, she would say she went back because us kids would beg her too… I just don’t understand how she would knowing some of the things I remember…. I mean when you are forced to have sex with your child[ren] why and how can you listen to those children and go back…. Why. My mind works over time with this always, I rewind it over and over…. still I come up with no good answers….

If you know someone that is being sexually abused it is YOUR duty to tell. If you are being abused sexually it is time to seek help…. I beg you don’t wait for it to get better, it wont change, they don’t ever get healed. I know this from experience…….. I lived in that shadow for years, it took me moving far away from him to break free and to start to heal… I am 49 and still have issues with sex. I ask you this, Do you want to wait, really?

I will be headed out of town Friday, I will be gone for a week to visit my Family. It will be hard, but I need to go. My Mom isn’t in the best of health and I have learned to forgive, She has her own demons…..


Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 8, 2008

Big Bang- World Record is gaining strength!

Mel from Attitude is the ultimate power has a dream its of linking 1000 sites or more together to form the big Bang, I would like to help so I’m adding “The Down Side Of Up” to the list….

*Start Copy Here* You do not have to be tagged to play along. This game is simple and so are the rules.
1. Copy from *Start Copy Here* through *End Copy Here*
2. Add your site(s) to the list. Just be sure to post at each site you add.
3. Tag or don’t tag, your choice, however, the more tags you create the bigger the list will grow.
4. Let me know your blog’s name and url by leaving me a comment
HERE. I will add you to the master list. (If you would like the scroll box code, leave me your email address and I will email it to you.)
5. Come back and copy the master list back to your site, often. This process will allow late-comers to get as much link benefit as the first ones in.

1-Attitude, the Ultimate Power 2-Juliana’s Site 3-Rusin Roundup 4-Grow Rich Along With Me 5-Comedy Plus 6-lynda’s loft 7-Amel’s Realm 8-MAX 9-Speedcat Hollydale 10-Mariuca 11-Complain Complain Complain 12-Mariuca’s Perfume Gallery 13-Life Is A Roller Coaster 14-Sugar Queen’s Dream 15-First Time Dad 16-Life 17-My Life 18-The Painted Veil 19-My Thoughts 21-Little Aussie Cynic 22-A Nice Place in the Sun 24-The Down Side OF Up 25-Ladyjava’s Lounge 26-Cat Tales 27-moms…..check nyo 28-Colorado Baby 29-It’s a Woman’s World 30-ENLIGHTENED BITS 31-My View of “It” 32-My Reviews and Finds Along the Way 33-Our Hep Chat 34-Rantings of a Woman 35-The Callalily Space 36-Mom Knows Everything 37-Hazel 38-Chronicles and Tales Unlimited (RED) 39-From the Mouth of Jabber Jaws 40-Sunny Side Up Foodie & Lifestyle 41-Carmel Corn 42-Daily Stock Picks 43-The Whole New World 44-Wifespeak 45-Slavery Bliss 46-Rooms of My Heart 47-Unpredictable Life 48-My Life, My World 49- At Your Service 50-All About Ebay 51-Everything Amazon 52-Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out 53-My So-Called Site 54-New Wife Blog 55-Tendre Poison 323 56-Nick’s Bytes 57-My Scratch Pad 58-Choc Mint Girl 59-Life Is Just Around the Corner… 60-Amori, poseia, art… virtuali by Hanna 61-Maryannaville 62-monaco – monaco’s 63-Nyumix’s Blog 64-read my mind – my keyboard monologues 65-Shower You Children With Love – The Right Way 66-Secret Agent Mama 67-Pinaymama’s Diary 68-Answers to the Questions 69-Work of the Poet 70-A Total Blog 71-My life, my hope, my future 72-NORTE 73-A Window to Our World 74-Life as a Mom 75-FIELD OF DREAMS 76-lisgold 77-See Me for What You 78-Caught in The Stream 79-Pinay Mommy Online – My Home 80-foster me up 81-CRUEL VIRGIN 82-Garden of Moments in Blog 83-So Cute 84-Love Everlasting 85-WeLcOmE To My CriB 86-WELCOM TO PINAYSMILE’S JOURNEY 87-Ice’s Icelog 88-Jenny’s Wandering Thoughts 89-Hobbies and Such 90-Sweet Paradise 91-Mommy’s Gibble Gabbles 92-Rusin Review’s 93-My Small World 94-Little Peanut 95-Online Ramblings 96-My Mood My Feeling 97-BLOG it with ALLEN 98-Entertainment World 99-Let’s Go Singapore 100-Firelynx 101-Catsy Carpe Diem 102-Every Beat Of My Heart 103-Always Da Fresh Princess 104-Listening.. Learning..Living 105-All About Mars 106-Syii From Afar 107-Some Thoughts I Have 108-From Here and Beyond 109-My Paid To Blog 110-Scholarship Corner 111-Cell Phone Review 112-“Apples of the Eyes” 113-It’s All About Play 114-The Luttrull Journey 115-RennyBA’s Terella 116-Unchained Melody 117-Out of the Blue 118-The Lure Of the Unknown 119-Maricel’s 120-my blog 121-Spiff, the Spaceman 122-Living Well 123-The Dog Log 124-Catnip Corner 125-A Piece of Idea 126-Observations From the Back 40 127-Poetry by The Redneck Gypsy 128-Odd Facts 129-Juliana’s Lair 130-My life is murphy’s law 131-lisgoldsmemoirs 132-My memories, as time goes by 133-Somewhere over the rainbow 134-Blogging by Sandee 135-Our Journey to this so called life 136-Idaho Daily Photo 137-Memories that Never Fades.. 138-Anything goes 139-Your Caring Angels 140-Little Paces 141-Laketrees 142-PoeARTica 143-fracas 144-Just FraCas 145-Archies Archive 146-Growing Up Together 147-A Woman’s Diary 148-Mother’s Got A Dot Com 149-Close To You 150-Hot Shit Form Here 151-Astro Galaxy 152-Detector 153-Beauty is in the eye of the beholder 154-My Life is Peachy 155-The Down Side of Up 156-Magical Milestones 157-In Search of Life 158-RebelationsdotNet 159-Jen Jen’s Place 160-Mimi Writes… 161-Strange but true 162-Depois de minha viagem 163-Your Perfect Wedding: 164-Make Money Online 165-Primitive Ornies and Bowl Fillers 166-Vegetarian Diet Lifestyle 167-Looking Out For You 168-BENOLSATUEM 169-OtherSide 170-Hacko’s Site 171-where was I 172-Making Money Resources 173-text’s Site 174-Movie Corner 175-Rahasia Bisnis Internet 176-Online Dating Tips 177-Beauty Kissing Tips 178-Forex Trading Tips 179-Singapore Tour Guide 180-PPC vs PTR 181-Indonesian Film 182-Adsense Success Stories 2008 183-Bali Tour 184-Paypal Indonesia 185-Review Bisnis Internet 186-Blog Daniel Scardua 187-Much of a muchness 188-Gagiers Amazing World 189-Clumsy Mommy 190-Leaotheblogger 191-PBDesigns Reading and Crochet Blog 192-Gagiers Striking Zone 193-DrowseyMonkey 194-Yesterday Today n Tomorrow 195-Auntie Dar’s Life 196-Sky Windows… 197-Filippino Life Abroad 198-Leao the Blogger 199-Zoop’s Rantings on Life 200-My Journey 201-A Sweet Taste of Life 202-This is a Miracle 203-Lavanderia Virtual 204- Nancies’s Web – Family Life 205-Dating Profile of the Day 206-my wooden robot 207-My World 208-urban : trendy : lifestyle 209-Lucel Juliana’s Library 210-Cooking Momster – My Life Journal 211-Anggie & Jeremy boy Online Journal 212-‘Doc Doc Doc’ 213-Transforming My Life 214-Gratitude Journal 216-emila’s illustrated blog 217-AZZY’S BLOG-A-ROONIE! 218-MAMABLISS’ TREASURED MOMENTS 219-The Sky’s the Limit 220-PROJECT HEAVY TRAFFIC 221-just another ordinary story.. 222-Samuel Rolo 223-The end mission! 224-R S S Submissions 225-Laice’s Pics 226-Health and Fitness 227-Brainybimbo 228-Journey with WaterLearner 229-Zoop’s Rantings on Life (at Blogspot) 230-Dear Me (Ivan) 231-Tour the Tabon Caves 232-Book Calendar 233-Love me. Hate me 234-Everyday health and beauty 235-BLOGANDO & ANDANDO 236-Memoirs.:*CRoSs mY hEARt*:. 237-The Chic Shopaholic 238-CK Go Places 239-Red Empress: Hell Flavored, Taste like Valentine 240-QUEENBEE 241-Le bric a brac de Cherie 242-jaqqq in the blogs 243-Bijoux & Banter 244-When Silence Speaks 245-MadTomatoe’s Blogging Tools and Widgets 246-Conceptis addict 247-Madamoiselle 248-My Wooden Robot Blog 249-A Simple Life 250-It’s a dog’s life 251-A Technocrat’s Blog 252-Misty’s Words 253-My Dogs Keep Me Sane 254-New England Lighthouse Treasures 255-NoDirectOn (not: NoDirection) 256-Additional BlogLOve 257-I am DZOI 258-Caroland’s Breathtaking Adventure 259-Blur Ting 260-Rojoy’s Daily Update 261-Down River Drivel 262-Momhood Moments 263-Real World Mom 264-REALWORLDMOMUNPLUGGED’S WEBLOG 265-Lucca D Jiwa 266-AngrianiWorld 267-Marketing•Review 268-sejuk sesangat 269-Everything and then Some….. 270-Gbex…reachingOut 271-Heart of Rachel 272-The working mom / Finding balance… 273-Madamoiselle ver.2 274-Latest Keyword 275-Tanny’s Blog 276-Pay to Review 277-Happy Life 278-Pet Haven 279-Teratak Nurani 280- A Melhor Novela de Todos os Tempos do Último Verão 281-TYNIE World 282-Wanmus’s Blog-get cheapest web hosting 283-mokkikunta 284-BLOGHIT, POLIBLOG, TOP TOPICS 285-none of your business 286-Expat Travels 287-The Poor Mouth 288-GIRLIEGEEK.ORG 289-Tau Tau 290-Points of View 291-kimf3’s Blog 292-Bing-My Treasures 293-Everything Green 294-The Pipeline Fixation 295-~Menempuh Arus Masa-Life-Photography~ 296-Pea in a Pod 297-{Me and Mine} 298-Beblan Anak Tukang Jahit 299-How Bourgeois 300-Julie’s Blog 301-Emphbone 302-Simply the Best 303-Euroangel Graffiti 304-My Daily Nourishment 305-the worldwideweb addict 306-(¯`·._.· PalavraS ArticuladaS ·._.·´¯) 307-The Big Life 308-Wild Borneo 309-Failure is the Key to Success 310-The muxic box’s memories 311-What Goes Under the Sun 312-Cronaca di Gatteo 313-Angelika’s other blog 314-So Real 315-Jaque 18 316-Overtime 317-When Life Becomes a Book 318-On the Bricks 319-Central Perk New York 320-The Simple Life of a Baghag 321-BlogBlast For Peace: The Official Site 322-Miss Cellania 323-Miss C Recommends 326-The Original Blue Ribbon Bloggers 327-No nonsense Internet Tips 328-Its Not a Weekend; Its a Lifestyle (Rich Valla) 330-Blog District 331-Official Travel Guide 332-EMJEI SAYS 333-www dot project rasso dot org 334-Work At Home Opportunities 335- VirusHead 336-Gracie de Guzman 337-Jollyjo 339-Ev Nucci’s THE CAREER STRATEGIST 340-Ev Nucci’s Resource Economics..Grease your brain 341-MARKETING MYSELF 342-NORTE 343-ACROSS THIS BRIDGE 344-STRUGGLING PARENTS 345-Read Between the Lines 346-Internet Lifestyle 347-THE SLEEPING TURTLE ART GALLERY 348-HIDUP BIAR SEDAP 349-BLOG ABOUT RICH 350-7101 Islands 351-Binding Ink III by Ndp the Poetress 352-mutiara hati 353-GreenBucks 354-Istilo Pinoy 355-Sweet and Complex Living 356-Angelika 357-my thoughts in writing 358-sharingplatform 359-Just the way it is… 360-LUCID CREATIVITY (Nelle-MyVirtualWorld) 361-TEACHERJULIE.COM 362-Bits and Pieces 363-Confessions Of A Breathing Tote Bag 364-My Joys 365-Fiction Earth 366-… My Precious … 367-MY VIEWS ON MY SO CALLED LIFE 368-A Reality Bite 369-Cobb Community 370-Angelea’s Blog 371-Janeth Vicy’s Life Journey 372-NinaRepublic 373-Peaceful Mind 374-ME, MYSELF + 2 375-Mommy Jane and Little Sophia’s Fasion misADVENTURES 376-ONKNEES – ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK….. 377-SHEENISM 378-SAILIN’ THRU LIFE (ASecretPlace) 379-Project Management Tutorial 380-Labindalawang Piraso ng Kokomban 381-Gorgeous Traveller 382-Sharing Gifts and Ideas 383-MUMBLINGS 384-Because Life Is Fun 385-PsychPatient MD 386-Everything Is Free 387-BRAINY MOMMY 388-Simply Unique 389-precious moments 390-Pearly Scripts 391-LIGHTNING AND THUNDER 392-Rayani Friends 393-WORK CULTURE 394-Psychology 395-Gold News 396-Applied Psychology 397-Scientific Psychology 398-Backwoods Drifter 399-New Beginning 400-Life in General 401-Life Is Like That (That’s Life) 402-Life With Roxxymetal 403-SEXY MOMMA 404-The Z Files 405-I’ll Never Forget the Day I Read a Book! 406-DOODLE PAGE 407-Escape Hatch 408-The Official Afterslaughter Weblog 409-Mommy’s Little Corner 410-MALTED MONKEY 411-MOM AND THE CITY 412-Life with the Two Crazy Dogs 413-the joys (and pains) of being a woman (My Untamed World) 414-Making Cents-Sense of Technology 415-USER GAME REVIEWS 416-Write Shy 418-ZWANG 419-ANYTHING GOES! (my world, my place, my views…!) 420-Matt’s blog (World of Insanity) 421-Lifestyle chronicles 422-The Alien Next Door 423-CMAQUEST 424-The Mascot 425-NARUTO ADDICT MANIA 426-Friendster Layouts 427-borneo tatoo…the original body ink 428-DOMANTIX 429-CULTURED SHOCK 430-EuWorx 431-HUBPRIME 432-STAR SURFACE 433-MY KALEIDOSCOPE WORLD 434-luckycharms 435-John’s Blog – Maybe I Am Joking? 436-NEW WORDPRESS THEMES 437-WEB VIDEO HITS 438-TOP MUSIC VIDEOS 439-TEXT MESSAGES 440-Homemade Haven 441-TAGMEMEAWARD CAT 442-Coriander Dreams 443-BrainLoops 444- INSERT YOURSELF HERE
*End Copy Here
I am not tagging anyone as I have already done this over at Sugar Queen’s Dream
Let Mel Know if you wish to link up!
Lets set a world record, one Blog at a time!
Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 7, 2008


!!!! I have no details but this child has been found!!!!

Christy Z has just informed her readers of an amber alert….
I am copying from her web site so please don’t shoot me for copy theft….
started copy here:

*Amber Alert Issued For Five Year Old Boy AMBER Alert*

An amber alert has been issued for five year old Adrian Jaimes of Austin Texas. He has been abducted today by three Hispanic men while in his own front yard while his mother was loading the car.

You can read further information and see pictures of Adrian here, and you can report any tips or information to America’s Most Wanted.

Spread the word about it on your blogs as the case is so new it’s yet to hit television, and send him and his family your prayers for a safe return.

End copy here….

Please, please help… If you can spread the word!

You never know when you or someone reading your blog may know more then you think…..


Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 5, 2008

This day I will say Hello to me…..

I found this poem at the website: Day of the Child


By Andrea

As I noticed myself becoming old and gray,

I knew it was time to visit the little girl of yesterday.

She had been kept safely hidden

In a place where others had been forbidden.

She knew I had to leave her long ago,

So one of us could find the strength to grow.

I promised her that I would someday return,

For she was my main concern.

No one could understand how her and I connect,

For I was the one present during the crime and neglect.

As I opened the door to yesterday,

I heard the sound of children happily at play,

But I noticed her sitting all alone and sad

Until our eyes met and she became glad.

We reunited by hugging and kissing one another

Like a beloved daughter and a mother.

I comforted her and dried away her tears

That were too painful for so many years.

As I looked in her small eyes of Grey,

I told her that the monster had gone away.

She looked up at me and said,”I love you”

Then I replied, “I love you too”.

Someone who cared had finally set her free.

The little girl that I used to be.

I tried to forget so much that certain words trigger remembrances…. I now feel is is good to remember all the days of my life, I am a happier person for remembering….

I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with hope and love…..

Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 4, 2008

The Journey of ME

All of a sudden at age 49, I’ve decided to take this journey of finding me. I don’t know why, I just felt it necessary. Every single person born has a journey of their own, some of us remember it happily, some of us don’t, some of us die too young and never have to figure it out, But some of us float until the day we wake up and realize there’s more to it all, That’s when we each have to take: “The journey of Me”. The journey of Me is complicated and long, it’s sad and it’s happy, The one thing about my journey is that it is unique, like Me. To make sure that my Journey doesn’t end in tragedy, I felt the need to relive it, To question it and also to forgive it…..

I can remember way back then, when I would dance down the back roads of red clay in a small remote town in Georgia,I had a baton in my hands and marching boots on, acting like I was gonna be someone, I thought I was living in a normal life and when I grew up, I could move forward, never having to look back. I was wrong then and of course I would be wrong again. I have often looked back and thought what my life would be like if that stuff didn’t happen, would I be a success or would I still be the failure some say I still am today, I have never met something I couldn’t do as long as I set my mind to it…. Yet, Am I doing anything with all the talents I have, no…. I’m not, I don’t do anything other than work on my Blogs, keep a really clean house most days, I play with my Grand Daughter, I am a good friend, I do other things but I don’t apply myself to pursuing these talents to make a difference, why am I like this, Why don’t I move on it… I can’t answer that…. I used to have dreams but slowly I gave up those dreams, where do I stop blaming my childhood and start blaming me….

I’m going to start working on me, I’m in the journey so why not try and be a valued PART of the journey…. I am trying to find my inner strength and what drives me to take action, to think and to do……

First question: Are the choices my Mother made, also the choices I made and why? I look back and I see so much of my Mother in me, I have been married several times, I let men abuse me, I have lied to myself thinking things would get better and I didn’t better myself even though I am a very smart person… Why? Well I don’t like depending on me, I may let me down. I have grown up over the year. I lean on me no, more than ever but still I falter in emotions and in procrastination. I have things left to do, A journey thats not finished, I will keep struggling along and hopefully before I go I will find all that I seek….

Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 1, 2008

Keepin it real

It’s not in my nature to be really serious all the time, I find that it strangles me. I hope that I can show you my humorous side at times too. If you’ve ever visited my other blog you will see a side of me that is real too. I try to find humor in most days of my life, for if I didn’t I would surely curl up in the corner and die….. That’s why I like “keepin it real”….wills-soccer-head.jpg

This week has been a trial of sorts, not for me, but for my Son Will. He had 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed. His poor face is swollen the size of a soccer ball(well maybe not that big). I have been taking care of him.

It’s also my Grand Daughter Bella’s first Birthday Sunday, So I will be baking her a cake. If you are just meeting me, You don’t know that I am a cake decorator , you will have to visit Sugar Queen’s Dream and see! to see a few of my cakes go here. She loves Dora the Explorer so that will be somewhere on the cake.Princess Bella

Isn’t she beautiful. When I look at her I know the life I’ve had to live is one that in the ends has been filled with gifts…. Here’s another picture of her digging in her toy box, She has really grown this past year. At Sugar Queens Dream you can watch her grow up, FracasBellas toys introduced me and my Grand Daughter on her blog last year….

I have another friend that has helped keep me here and on track, her name is Jackie, she Authors “The Painted Veil” . If you would like to be inspired with love and happiness with an occasional dose of spice visit my friend. She has endured abuse in her life too and has overcome it. Jackie has been encouraging me ever since I started this blog to keep moving forward. I love her for that, You can’t know unless you’ve lived it, how hard this is to rebirth and start over. I posted some really great posts this week at SQD, go take a look. Visit my blog roll friends and you will meet some of the most beautiful people ever!

Having 2 Blogs is so much more work than I EVER thought it was. Period! I am trying to keep up the pace and I am all about keepin it real….

Have a really great weekend and remember always: love the one you’re with….YOU

Posted by: thedownsideofup | January 29, 2008

Opening up….

prayer-2.jpgWriting this Blog isnt easy for me, It’s not that I’m ashamed of being abused like I once was, it’s that this brings back memories I have tried to forget. For the past few days I have been having panic attacks again, Now some of you might say: stop thinking of all this , I can’t. My story is a story I feel I have to write. Im finally Opening up…. to ME.

I Have NEVER forgot the things that Man did to me, I felt so robbed, Yes thats a good word for it…. Robbed. He took every thing from me, including my self esteem, thats why I have used drugs, alcohol, sex, food,  anything to forget.  I hid my memory of it all away so that I wouldn’t remember the horrors of it all. I just pushed the sexual stuff to the back of my mind, I guess I have a closet that I shove stuff in when I don’t want to deal with it at the moment. Although I mourned the loss of a normal childhood like I did the death of my 2 Sons, I’m still here practically in one piece….

It’s the little blurts that happen every once in awhile that cause me to shake and remember…….If I would do the things he asked, he would buy me an Ice Cream cone or candy,cigarettes, anything, just so I would do as he wished. I remember thinking I don’t want all these things…. I just wanted a normal childhood. Of course at the time I didn’t know what I wanted, I just knew I didn’t want to do those things… I can remember the way he first approached me for all this, Its awful to have memories of your first sexual experiences and they were with a man old enough to be your Grand Father, the filth and the shame of it all.. I can remember still.

You know to this day I still have issues with  sexual experiences. I think of sex as a tool or a weapon.  So much that I’m not very willing to be intimate still…

I have this place where I think all my thoughts, I have ideas and memories, It’s really hard for me to take them from there and put them on paper or in this case, here. I feel I have to be very careful of what I reveal, I want to say what I say, but I don’t want the wrong person to get the wrong idea. It’s a real shame that society hates hearing about this, they like to sweep it under a rug so that they don’t  feel the embarrassment of discussing it causes…

When I married my first Husband I was barely 17.  Yes, I did this to get away from hell I was still enduring, but I didn’t think that at the time. I just saw this really cute guy that rented a small trailer from my Grandma , he was 4 years older and he was mysterious… well to a 16 year old, LOL. It’s all sorta like a comedy now when I think back, My Step Father thought I was being true to him and in fact I was trying to get as far away as I could from him. He actually got jealous when us girls would have a guy friend. I know, it was creepy. I remember feeling so much freedom when they would leave and go on a trip away from the house for the day, I would call my Boy Friend and we would chit chat, I felt able to be a regular teen for just that little space in time. Any way back to my first Husband,He was a virgin and me being raised by a sexual pervert, well, I was what they called a “fast” girl, (today they would just say you were in touch with your sexuality) I had sex with a 30 year old by the time I was 15 and that was not my Step Father. I was promiscuous, its a proven fact that children sexually abused are most of the time sexually active at a younger age.

They say you marry the man that most resembles your Father (or Father figure) . I found out that wasn’t so off mark for me either. I found out 6 years after I divorced my first Husband that he was molesting my sister… She never told me, I used to let her stay with us  all the time, she just stopped comming to my house and no one said a word… I wondered but I never knew….. See the cycle of this just keeps going and going, it never stops…. It’s up to YOU and ME and EVERYONE else to STOP this… Listen when they come to you, look for the signs…. Ask questions… KNOW your Son or Daughter…. then take ACTION!

There are various lists of possible physical and behavioral indicators of child sexual abuse, some of which are:

  • Waking up during the night sweating, screaming or shaking with nightmares.
  • Masturbating excessively.
  • Showing unusually aggressive behavior toward family members, friends, toys, and pets.
  • Complaining of pain while urinating or having a bowel movement, or exhibiting symptoms of genital infections such as offensive odors, or symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease.
  • Having symptoms indicating evidence of physical traumas to the genital or anal area.
  • Beginning wetting the bed.
  • Experiencing a loss of appetite or other eating problems, including unexplained gagging.
  • Showing unusual fear of a certain place or location.
  • Developing frequent unexplained health problems.
  • Engaging in persistent sexual play with friends, toys or pets.
  • Having unexplained periods of panic, which may be flashbacks from the abuse.
  • Regressing to behaviors too young for the stage of development they already achieved.
  • Initiating sophisticated sexual behaviors.
  • Indicating a sudden reluctance to be alone with a certain person.
  • Engaging in self-mutilations, such as sticking themselves with pins or cutting themselves.
  • Withdrawing from previously enjoyable activities, like school or school performance change.
  • Asking an unusual amount of questions about human sexuality.

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All I ask of you is this…. Listen to your kids…. You may be all they have left to allow them a normal life…. Be there!

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