Writing this Blog isnt easy for me, It’s not that I’m ashamed of being abused like I once was, it’s that this brings back memories I have tried to forget. For the past few days I have been having panic attacks again, Now some of you might say: stop thinking of all this , I can’t. My story is a story I feel I have to write. Im finally Opening up…. to ME.
I Have NEVER forgot the things that Man did to me, I felt so robbed, Yes thats a good word for it…. Robbed. He took every thing from me, including my self esteem, thats why I have used drugs, alcohol, sex, food, anything to forget. I hid my memory of it all away so that I wouldn’t remember the horrors of it all. I just pushed the sexual stuff to the back of my mind, I guess I have a closet that I shove stuff in when I don’t want to deal with it at the moment. Although I mourned the loss of a normal childhood like I did the death of my 2 Sons, I’m still here practically in one piece….
It’s the little blurts that happen every once in awhile that cause me to shake and remember…….If I would do the things he asked, he would buy me an Ice Cream cone or candy,cigarettes, anything, just so I would do as he wished. I remember thinking I don’t want all these things…. I just wanted a normal childhood. Of course at the time I didn’t know what I wanted, I just knew I didn’t want to do those things… I can remember the way he first approached me for all this, Its awful to have memories of your first sexual experiences and they were with a man old enough to be your Grand Father, the filth and the shame of it all.. I can remember still.
You know to this day I still have issues with sexual experiences. I think of sex as a tool or a weapon. So much that I’m not very willing to be intimate still…
I have this place where I think all my thoughts, I have ideas and memories, It’s really hard for me to take them from there and put them on paper or in this case, here. I feel I have to be very careful of what I reveal, I want to say what I say, but I don’t want the wrong person to get the wrong idea. It’s a real shame that society hates hearing about this, they like to sweep it under a rug so that they don’t feel the embarrassment of discussing it causes…
When I married my first Husband I was barely 17. Yes, I did this to get away from hell I was still enduring, but I didn’t think that at the time. I just saw this really cute guy that rented a small trailer from my Grandma , he was 4 years older and he was mysterious… well to a 16 year old, LOL. It’s all sorta like a comedy now when I think back, My Step Father thought I was being true to him and in fact I was trying to get as far away as I could from him. He actually got jealous when us girls would have a guy friend. I know, it was creepy. I remember feeling so much freedom when they would leave and go on a trip away from the house for the day, I would call my Boy Friend and we would chit chat, I felt able to be a regular teen for just that little space in time. Any way back to my first Husband,He was a virgin and me being raised by a sexual pervert, well, I was what they called a “fast” girl, (today they would just say you were in touch with your sexuality) I had sex with a 30 year old by the time I was 15 and that was not my Step Father. I was promiscuous, its a proven fact that children sexually abused are most of the time sexually active at a younger age.
They say you marry the man that most resembles your Father (or Father figure) . I found out that wasn’t so off mark for me either. I found out 6 years after I divorced my first Husband that he was molesting my sister… She never told me, I used to let her stay with us all the time, she just stopped comming to my house and no one said a word… I wondered but I never knew….. See the cycle of this just keeps going and going, it never stops…. It’s up to YOU and ME and EVERYONE else to STOP this… Listen when they come to you, look for the signs…. Ask questions… KNOW your Son or Daughter…. then take ACTION!
There are various lists of possible physical and behavioral indicators of child sexual abuse, some of which are:
- Waking up during the night sweating, screaming or shaking with nightmares.
- Masturbating excessively.
- Showing unusually aggressive behavior toward family members, friends, toys, and pets.
- Complaining of pain while urinating or having a bowel movement, or exhibiting symptoms of genital infections such as offensive odors, or symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease.
- Having symptoms indicating evidence of physical traumas to the genital or anal area.
- Beginning wetting the bed.
- Experiencing a loss of appetite or other eating problems, including unexplained gagging.
- Showing unusual fear of a certain place or location.
- Developing frequent unexplained health problems.
- Engaging in persistent sexual play with friends, toys or pets.
- Having unexplained periods of panic, which may be flashbacks from the abuse.
- Regressing to behaviors too young for the stage of development they already achieved.
- Initiating sophisticated sexual behaviors.
- Indicating a sudden reluctance to be alone with a certain person.
- Engaging in self-mutilations, such as sticking themselves with pins or cutting themselves.
- Withdrawing from previously enjoyable activities, like school or school performance change.
- Asking an unusual amount of questions about human sexuality.
Visit this website: protectkids.com
All I ask of you is this…. Listen to your kids…. You may be all they have left to allow them a normal life…. Be there!