Posted by: thedownsideofup | January 27, 2008

Letting go…

Free

If you let the past take control of your life you will never be free……

I have learned to let go, to release the childhood I lived. If you don’t it will consume you, I know this because one of my Sisters lives the hell she does because, She can’t let go. She has said to me that I had it easy, I wish I could shake her or better yet, smack her…. I ask her “where the hell were you, I lived the same life you did” She says, whatever, I hurt more than you I guess, because I can’t turn off my memory…. I feel sorry for her, she continues to fight a uphill battle because she will not own her heart, she will not let go and forgive. Just because I have learned to forgive and to more forward, I didn’t hurt as much, then or now, Thats just silly…… She turned to drugs and alcohol just same as I did, I also turned to food, but I woke up one day and said I will not let something else control me as he once did. The last thing I have to let go of now is cigarettes, thats the hardest . I still smoke.

My Sister has lost all 3 of her Children, they are grown now and have strained relationships. Her youngest she doesn’t even know. its sad….

This Blog isn’t about her and how she handled things, it’s about me, my struggles and my overcoming the hellish life I once endured…. I hope it’s not to jumbled up so that others wont understand or can’t read, I hope I don’t offend you, I would never try and hurt another with my words….

I feel good about life most days but I have issues that I know are from being abused as a child. I will be back another day to move further into the down side of up……

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Responses

  1. I like the concept of your blog. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts. Keep it going.

  2. What you’re writing about isn’t easy. I couldn’t imagine what it is like to watch your sister struggling to carry that weight of her abuse while you are letting yours go.

    It must be very hard.

    Again, I’m really glad you’re willing to write about this. (I know I sound like a broken record.) It’s just there so many out there that feel the way you do and will be able to connect and grow in such a powerful way.

    That’s why people like me, who can only imagine what kind of strength it took to become a survivor instead of a victim, can spend a career talking our heads off–and only tell others a path we think might work. People like you have walked through fire. You now are offering your had to help others through the blaze.

    I worked with a lot of kids who had amazing strength and bravery to move forward with their life. I also worked with a lot of kids who couldn’t get over their past–they didn’t know anything else and were too afraid to do anything different. (I guess, I don’t know. I didn’t walk in their shoes.)

    The later group of kids are the hardest to work with. I saw how they would hurt themselves over and over, attracted to similar situations and circumstances and numbing their emotions with drugs and alcohol. Then one day *bling* something happened to them and they let it all go and lived for themselves instead of chasing ghosts–even if it was for a day. Although they would revisit their demons (and hey, we all have them)–their walks through the darkness became fewer and fewer. (It wasn’t that they ignored their past. They no longer lived in it.) Some of them have yet to walk through that blaze–away from the darkness.

    . . . but you never know. When there’s life, there’s hope.

    Alright . . . I know you have comment moderation. Trust me, you don’t need to post this little diatribe. I won’t be offended.

    I know I just started reading your blog. It might even seem strange that someone so far away is baring their strong encouragement. I just worked with so many kids with stories very similar to yours and what a difference it makes when they find someone who has been what they been through and helped them work through what happened–warts and all.

    . . . who sounds jumbled now?

  3. Oh dear, I guess you don’t have comment moderation . . . well hopefully I don’t sound too preachy (or too much of a groupy).

    The world now knows I’m a bit of a loon. ; )

  4. I am glad that you are able to forgive and move on.

    I too feel that what you are doing here can help so very,very many.

    My heart goes out to your sister for hr inability to move on. Especially for children’s sake.

    You have much to be proud of ….truly you do!!
    ~Jackir


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