Posted by: thedownsideofup | January 29, 2008

Opening up….

prayer-2.jpgWriting this Blog isnt easy for me, It’s not that I’m ashamed of being abused like I once was, it’s that this brings back memories I have tried to forget. For the past few days I have been having panic attacks again, Now some of you might say: stop thinking of all this , I can’t. My story is a story I feel I have to write. Im finally Opening up…. to ME.

I Have NEVER forgot the things that Man did to me, I felt so robbed, Yes thats a good word for it…. Robbed. He took every thing from me, including my self esteem, thats why I have used drugs, alcohol, sex, food,  anything to forget.  I hid my memory of it all away so that I wouldn’t remember the horrors of it all. I just pushed the sexual stuff to the back of my mind, I guess I have a closet that I shove stuff in when I don’t want to deal with it at the moment. Although I mourned the loss of a normal childhood like I did the death of my 2 Sons, I’m still here practically in one piece….

It’s the little blurts that happen every once in awhile that cause me to shake and remember…….If I would do the things he asked, he would buy me an Ice Cream cone or candy,cigarettes, anything, just so I would do as he wished. I remember thinking I don’t want all these things…. I just wanted a normal childhood. Of course at the time I didn’t know what I wanted, I just knew I didn’t want to do those things… I can remember the way he first approached me for all this, Its awful to have memories of your first sexual experiences and they were with a man old enough to be your Grand Father, the filth and the shame of it all.. I can remember still.

You know to this day I still have issues with  sexual experiences. I think of sex as a tool or a weapon.  So much that I’m not very willing to be intimate still…

I have this place where I think all my thoughts, I have ideas and memories, It’s really hard for me to take them from there and put them on paper or in this case, here. I feel I have to be very careful of what I reveal, I want to say what I say, but I don’t want the wrong person to get the wrong idea. It’s a real shame that society hates hearing about this, they like to sweep it under a rug so that they don’t  feel the embarrassment of discussing it causes…

When I married my first Husband I was barely 17.  Yes, I did this to get away from hell I was still enduring, but I didn’t think that at the time. I just saw this really cute guy that rented a small trailer from my Grandma , he was 4 years older and he was mysterious… well to a 16 year old, LOL. It’s all sorta like a comedy now when I think back, My Step Father thought I was being true to him and in fact I was trying to get as far away as I could from him. He actually got jealous when us girls would have a guy friend. I know, it was creepy. I remember feeling so much freedom when they would leave and go on a trip away from the house for the day, I would call my Boy Friend and we would chit chat, I felt able to be a regular teen for just that little space in time. Any way back to my first Husband,He was a virgin and me being raised by a sexual pervert, well, I was what they called a “fast” girl, (today they would just say you were in touch with your sexuality) I had sex with a 30 year old by the time I was 15 and that was not my Step Father. I was promiscuous, its a proven fact that children sexually abused are most of the time sexually active at a younger age.

They say you marry the man that most resembles your Father (or Father figure) . I found out that wasn’t so off mark for me either. I found out 6 years after I divorced my first Husband that he was molesting my sister… She never told me, I used to let her stay with us  all the time, she just stopped comming to my house and no one said a word… I wondered but I never knew….. See the cycle of this just keeps going and going, it never stops…. It’s up to YOU and ME and EVERYONE else to STOP this… Listen when they come to you, look for the signs…. Ask questions… KNOW your Son or Daughter…. then take ACTION!

There are various lists of possible physical and behavioral indicators of child sexual abuse, some of which are:

  • Waking up during the night sweating, screaming or shaking with nightmares.
  • Masturbating excessively.
  • Showing unusually aggressive behavior toward family members, friends, toys, and pets.
  • Complaining of pain while urinating or having a bowel movement, or exhibiting symptoms of genital infections such as offensive odors, or symptoms of a sexually transmitted disease.
  • Having symptoms indicating evidence of physical traumas to the genital or anal area.
  • Beginning wetting the bed.
  • Experiencing a loss of appetite or other eating problems, including unexplained gagging.
  • Showing unusual fear of a certain place or location.
  • Developing frequent unexplained health problems.
  • Engaging in persistent sexual play with friends, toys or pets.
  • Having unexplained periods of panic, which may be flashbacks from the abuse.
  • Regressing to behaviors too young for the stage of development they already achieved.
  • Initiating sophisticated sexual behaviors.
  • Indicating a sudden reluctance to be alone with a certain person.
  • Engaging in self-mutilations, such as sticking themselves with pins or cutting themselves.
  • Withdrawing from previously enjoyable activities, like school or school performance change.
  • Asking an unusual amount of questions about human sexuality.

Visit this website:

All I ask of you is this…. Listen to your kids…. You may be all they have left to allow them a normal life…. Be there!



  1. Good, honest, sincere post J. I know this must have been a tought to write.

    I know all too well exactly what you are going through.

    But, just think if even one person is saved by your bravery to tell your story…wow what a gift to give someone.

    Very good pointers that you left as well.

    As always you have my love and complete support,

  2. TY Jackie

  3. Shinade sends Sugar much love…and so does Walter:)

  4. Wow–you outdid yourself again!! Thanks for writing about the warning signs, and how you felt so confused as a child–not knowing what to do.

    Also, I hope you are taking care of yourself. You are being so brave, and giving this incredible gift to the others by telling your story. I hope you are giving yourself gifts too, painting your nails, taking a bath, watching a movie with friends, etc.

  5. Wow Judy! This is such a powerful message and I applaud you for writing it. This is great information for any parent.

    Not only is it great for a parent, but for anyone dealing with youths, from teachers to everyday people.

    We all need to be aware of this, as any of us could notice something, maybe in a public place. Being aware of these signs can help anyone to spot a problem which needs to be reported to social services and the police.

    Thanks Judy, God bless you:)

  6. Greetings, I am an Atheist and have a blog site dedicated to cataloging all my observations and questions regarding the bible and Christianity. Recently, a Christian who regularly comments on a number of my posts (whiteman0o0) left a response to one of my questions that disturbed me a great deal. When discussing the topic of free will, I brought up a few examples of people with behavioral issues, mental disorders, abuse survivors, etc. to argue that there are situations where a person’s free will is overcome by these issues.

    whiteman0o0 stated: “While we may do what coincides(sp) with our personality that is because those are the decisons we are comfortable with, however it does not govern our decisions. Because while we may go with the path we are used to, that does not mean that there is no other option in the given situation.”

    I (doubtingthomas426) responded with — Have you heard of AA, whiteman0o0? It is an organization founded by a pair of Christians, who designed a treatment program based on Christian principles to aid alcoholics with their drinking problems. Over the years a number of offshoots have been created, NA (Narcotics anonymous), etc. Make your above assertion to any of the leaders, organizers, supporters or members of any of these organizations and see how well it sits with them. In fact, free will is something they teach is the one thing these people DON’T have. Not in regards to their illness, at least. You must realize that there are MANY people whose behavior is not being based on making a decision they are comfortable with. Have you taken any psychology courses yet? I’m not sure what type of school you attend but in most, by senior year, at least some type of psychology course is mandatory. I’ll use one of the most common (and heartbreaking) examples of involuntary behavior. A young girl is molested by her father from infancy until her mid teens. During her high school years she sleeps with more than thirty different guys and girls (including two teachers), catches three different STDs, and eventually drops out halfway through her senior year. During this time she was also molesting her little brother. When she turns eighteen she moves to Hollywood and within two months she is making porn. She dies of a drug overdose three year later. Exactly when did God’s gift of ‘free will’ have the opportunity to override the massive psychological damage this girl suffered from as a result of all the abuse she went through?

    Whiteman0o0’s response, the one that left me reeling, the one that prompted me to seek out those who have some experience with these issues in the hopes that they will visit the page and respond to whiteman0o0’s words was — “Your Example however is not Involuntary. I have known several people that have been molested/raped by a trusted person, and they live their lives out fine, sure there is some emotional damage but they overcome it by choosing to do different things. Your story follows the opposite path, This girl however still had control over her life, While the things that she did were compulsory and what she had been raised on she also must have had a view that they were wrong, She CHOSE to follow that path on into adulthood, and she chose to take the drugs that would end her life. Free will is free will no matter how the variables shape the situation you always have a choice of which way to go.”

    This is the page where whiteman0o0 left his response:

    I am urging, pleading with anyone that is willing, to please visit this page, read the comments starting January 30th (you can ignore the original post), particularly mine (DoubtingThomas426) and whiteman0o0’s, and whether you agree with him or not, please leave a comment addressing this issue. I truly appreciate it.

    Thank you and I apologize for taking up space on this page with my plea.


  7. […] lets her readers take a very personal look into her life, and shares her wisdom. Her post entitled Opening Up, is about the signs of child abuse – from her real life experience. It’s not only important […]

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