Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 4, 2008

The Journey of ME

All of a sudden at age 49, I’ve decided to take this journey of finding me. I don’t know why, I just felt it necessary. Every single person born has a journey of their own, some of us remember it happily, some of us don’t, some of us die too young and never have to figure it out, But some of us float until the day we wake up and realize there’s more to it all, That’s when we each have to take: “The journey of Me”. The journey of Me is complicated and long, it’s sad and it’s happy, The one thing about my journey is that it is unique, like Me. To make sure that my Journey doesn’t end in tragedy, I felt the need to relive it, To question it and also to forgive it…..

I can remember way back then, when I would dance down the back roads of red clay in a small remote town in Georgia,I had a baton in my hands and marching boots on, acting like I was gonna be someone, I thought I was living in a normal life and when I grew up, I could move forward, never having to look back. I was wrong then and of course I would be wrong again. I have often looked back and thought what my life would be like if that stuff didn’t happen, would I be a success or would I still be the failure some say I still am today, I have never met something I couldn’t do as long as I set my mind to it…. Yet, Am I doing anything with all the talents I have, no…. I’m not, I don’t do anything other than work on my Blogs, keep a really clean house most days, I play with my Grand Daughter, I am a good friend, I do other things but I don’t apply myself to pursuing these talents to make a difference, why am I like this, Why don’t I move on it… I can’t answer that…. I used to have dreams but slowly I gave up those dreams, where do I stop blaming my childhood and start blaming me….

I’m going to start working on me, I’m in the journey so why not try and be a valued PART of the journey…. I am trying to find my inner strength and what drives me to take action, to think and to do……

First question: Are the choices my Mother made, also the choices I made and why? I look back and I see so much of my Mother in me, I have been married several times, I let men abuse me, I have lied to myself thinking things would get better and I didn’t better myself even though I am a very smart person… Why? Well I don’t like depending on me, I may let me down. I have grown up over the year. I lean on me no, more than ever but still I falter in emotions and in procrastination. I have things left to do, A journey thats not finished, I will keep struggling along and hopefully before I go I will find all that I seek….

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Responses

  1. Hey Sugarqueen! It’s always wonderful to pop on by and find out what challenge you’ve inspired for you (and others) lately.

    I think sitting down and writing your story on this blog is an amazing accomplishment!!

    You’ve inspired me to do a little soul searching as well. I don’t plan on diving as deep as you–but as the saying goes: to know thyself . . .

  2. This blog isn’t a silly and happy blog like my other one is But it is one of personal growth…
    Thanks for the sweet comments and for stopping by…

  3. Judy I too think what you are doing is quite amazing.

    You are really laying it all on the line. That takes a great deal of courage.

    Oh I hope you know that everytime I stop by and you have yet posted again. That I too know that I still have much to look into concerning myself.

    I think you are very brave!!
    ~Jackie

  4. Jackie, Thank You…. I neither feel brave or in control… I feel like a little girl some times when I think back, its scary but it helps. Even if I never do anything right in life, I value my family and my friends… with them (you included) in my life I am strong.
    You have come along way since I first met you Jackie. You are learning how to forgive and forget, not to rush judgment and certainly how to add humor to your life. So stand proud my friend… growth is growth, no need to measure it…
    Hugs and Lots of love to you sister,J

  5. You’re soooo not alone! 49 is a great age too. I’d like to recommend one of my favorite books: “Women Who Run With Wolves”. Keep moving and stay strong!


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