Posted by: thedownsideofup | February 13, 2008

From the outside in…..

106_2818judy.jpg

Life is funny, you never know that what you’re looking at, may not be what it seems. To most people life was perfect for us, they saw a Family that looked right. This man that took in 5 Children that were not his own, how nice of him, they would say. You Children should count your lucky stars that he is decent and understanding. But if you were on the inside of that Family, you would see the truth, we were dysfunctional. My Mom was pretty and young, but very weak inside, my Step Father was older, a veteran and somewhat successful, but a child molester. He was everything they say a profile child molester would be. His Family would whisper to my Mother that he wasn’t always like that, he got hurt in an automobile accident that maimed him and they believed it made him that monster he was, I don’t think so…..His Mother made him wear shoes that were to small, she dressed him as a girl until he was five or so years old. She brow beat him and made him feel inferior to others, I think he was always sick and twisted and in later years I found out I was right. She [his Mother] was a very backwards old woman who at Christmas time would make us [My Siblings and I] sit over in the corner and watch as the “real” children opened the gifts she would make for them, all the while she would say “You are not my Grand Children, I don’t do for those who are not my blood”, she was a wicked person……

I learned later from my Step Sister, that my Step Father had abused her also as a young girl and as an adult. She said her own Brothers would do the same things to her, I thought she was crazy until both my Step Brothers did the same things to me.

I remember things in flashes, some think I make this up, others think I should just get over it, my very own Husband thinks I dwell on this and let it stumble me. I am here to say to you that I don’t. I feel this remembering is part of the healing. I am so much more relaxed about thinking back than ever before. I can even say now that even though he was a monster, he had good qualities…. But I also know that most abused people love and respect their abusers… It’s just a fact. I think that is why when my Mother would leave him, she would say she went back because us kids would beg her too… I just don’t understand how she would knowing some of the things I remember…. I mean when you are forced to have sex with your child[ren] why and how can you listen to those children and go back…. Why. My mind works over time with this always, I rewind it over and over…. still I come up with no good answers….

If you know someone that is being sexually abused it is YOUR duty to tell. If you are being abused sexually it is time to seek help…. I beg you don’t wait for it to get better, it wont change, they don’t ever get healed. I know this from experience…….. I lived in that shadow for years, it took me moving far away from him to break free and to start to heal… I am 49 and still have issues with sex. I ask you this, Do you want to wait, really?

I will be headed out of town Friday, I will be gone for a week to visit my Family. It will be hard, but I need to go. My Mom isn’t in the best of health and I have learned to forgive, She has her own demons…..

Judy

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Responses

  1. Hi Judy

    Great to finally get the chance to see your new blog.
    Hope your trip goes well.

    All Best Wishes

    Bill

  2. Hello,

    Dropping in from Big Bang List!
    May your trip turns out well.
    Take care!


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