Posted by: thedownsideofup | January 27, 2008

Letting go…


If you let the past take control of your life you will never be free……

I have learned to let go, to release the childhood I lived. If you don’t it will consume you, I know this because one of my Sisters lives the hell she does because, She can’t let go. She has said to me that I had it easy, I wish I could shake her or better yet, smack her…. I ask her “where the hell were you, I lived the same life you did” She says, whatever, I hurt more than you I guess, because I can’t turn off my memory…. I feel sorry for her, she continues to fight a uphill battle because she will not own her heart, she will not let go and forgive. Just because I have learned to forgive and to more forward, I didn’t hurt as much, then or now, Thats just silly…… She turned to drugs and alcohol just same as I did, I also turned to food, but I woke up one day and said I will not let something else control me as he once did. The last thing I have to let go of now is cigarettes, thats the hardest . I still smoke.

My Sister has lost all 3 of her Children, they are grown now and have strained relationships. Her youngest she doesn’t even know. its sad….

This Blog isn’t about her and how she handled things, it’s about me, my struggles and my overcoming the hellish life I once endured…. I hope it’s not to jumbled up so that others wont understand or can’t read, I hope I don’t offend you, I would never try and hurt another with my words….

I feel good about life most days but I have issues that I know are from being abused as a child. I will be back another day to move further into the down side of up……

Posted by: thedownsideofup | January 25, 2008

Living life one day at a time, is just a saying sometimes….

Weeding through all the crap…..

I told my Momma when I was 9 years old that he was doing what he was to me. My Sister and I would lay in the bed and whisper the things that were happening to me,She didn’t say he was messing with her so I just assumed it hadn’t taken place, of course I was a child. Even though she is 1 year younger than me, she has always been braver. I have always been a wuss. period…. My Momma was brave at the time because he hadn’t started beating her yet, that started after a few more years when we had moved back to Michigan. And a story for a different day….. Anyway she took us girls to the small town Doctor and he told her this: Take your Daughters home and forget this because he will stop if you take care of your wifely duties….. Can you Imagine that, he went to school for all them years to tell a woman she wasn’t having sex enough with her husband, so in some sick and twisted way that meant that she was responsible for him being a Child Molester, I guess he went to the University of Backwoods Redneck.

man-illusion.jpgAfter that I kept my mouth shut because he waited until she had gone somewhere and he grabbed me by the hair and neck, he slammed me up against a wall and said: “If you EVER tell anyone again, I will cut your Mothers heart out and give it to you.” I waited 8 years to tell her he was still messing with me, It was the day of my first wedding at age 17, I waited 8 more years after that to tell the truth, the whole truth, It was after he was dead….

She left him, I mean she went home, told us kids: we are moving back to Michigan and we left…. Of course that was just the beginning of her leaving and going back. He told her I was misunderstood, he hadn’t really done all that, I was young, I was a liar, I hated him for marrying her so I was making up things….. I could go on and on…. To this day I just shake my head when I think about it. She thought, because she couldn’t stand up on her own and make it, because she had so many Kids, No man would want her, she just went back to him….. Back to me being lied about, her trusting what he said over what I said….. back to being molested…… I still Do NOT understand how a Mother can not trust what her Daughter told her….

She always used this line on us, He drugged me….. He would get Spanish fly and put in her drink to make her want sex, the fact was he was trying to get her to agree to do things that were sick and twisted, so she said she was drugged that’s why she fell for his lies….. I could tell you things that would make your skin crawl but I won’t I don’t want a a Child to come in here and read it. It isn’t pretty. But what it is , Is my life… I have learned to cope, to deal. I look over things because I see the beauty in all things,

All things have Beauty, But you have to be willing to open your eyes to see it

I beg you, if you read this and you are being abused, PLEASE get help! don’t silently take it like I did. Do something about it! I have waited years to deal with this, It has cost me more than I can ever tell you . To this day it costs me, something every day…..

Thank you for walking this journey with me, I am taking the time to now deal with it…..


Posted by: thedownsideofup | January 24, 2008

The Down Side of Up……

who.jpgI live in Florida. I am a Wife, a Mother and a Grand Mother to one very special little Girl, Bella . I have another Blog that is Successful, Sugar Queen’s Dream
This is a place where I can write the not so up side of things that happen in my life …

This is the beginning of “The Down Side Of Up“……..
The truth is, I grew up in a broken home, My Father beat my Mother so bad that she almost died. She left him, but not until she had 3 more Children with him. I grew up with a Step Father, my Mother married him when I was 7. We didn’t know much about him, My Mother knew him for 7 days when she married him!
My Mom was 25, She had 5 Children from 2 Men already, She was to have 2 more with this man, (I think that qualifies her as a baby maker) LOL. My Step Father was a good person in many ways, He never let us go hungry. He never let us go without clothing. He always provided us with a home to live in, BUT, There were terrible things happening in our home…. For one thing, he was an alcoholic and went on drinking binges that lead to him beating my Mother. I can remember when I was 12, Standing at the foot of the stairs, Him being very, very drunk and having a shotgun aimed at my Mother’s head, there was a 5 day old infant in a crib just behind her laying in a crib, My Sister Patty. She came home from the hospital on my Birthday, I’ll always think of her as mine, they told me she was my gift.
Anyways, He aimed at my Mothers head and he pulled the trigger….
By the grace of God the gun was jammed and it didn’t go off! But I’m telling you this, My Mom didn’t leave him, she stayed and endured many more beatings and much more abuse. He was a sick and twisted person. He started molesting me at age 7, just a few months after we moved to his farm in Georgia, he told me he would kill my Mother if I said a word so it was then I learned to keep secrets and to hide how sad I was……
I lived a hellish life as a child and as a young woman. I got married at age 17. I did it to get away from him but I didn’t know what I was walking into when I married, my new Husband was abusive also, It’s true when they say you follow a pattern….
SO when I smile and I laugh, I do this for reasons you, my readers, don’t understand. I do this Because in some way I am defeating the men who took something from me, They took things that were not theirs to take. I don’t understand how people can abuse others and think they are OK. I guess I will never understand that. But I smile and I laugh because I have finally figured out that if you let someone have your happiness, They spread it. If you let them control you, they own your soul and I will never let anyone no matter alive or dead own my soul….

I can’t say as I understand why people abuse others, I just wish we could figure out a way to stop them….

So everyone if you happen to stumble in here I will be back and I hope you don’t get to upset at The Down Side Of Up or me…..


Posted by: thedownsideofup | January 24, 2008

Hello world!

This is my other Blog….. I hope I can make a difference in your life by telling you the truth about my life in a honest and raw way….

Well if you care!


« Newer Posts